All of You
by Unleashed Reasoning
Summary: Left behind but unable to let go...


I was looking into your eyes… You were so simple to read, sometimes. Or at least, you made it seem that way. You had certain particular quirks that… I could always just tell what you were thinking. There were times I was wrong, of course, but a lot of the time I wasn't too far off. Mostly because I was roughly thinking the same thing.

But honestly, I don't think either of us was thinking too much. Or maybe, I was over thinking things. I didn't want to think because it made me wonder about all the what-ifs… and you were never much for them. You were always flying by the seat of your pants. You were always in the moment. It was like you were incapable of really planning anything out further then the next moment. Your eyes were so full of dreams I'm not sure you always saw reality. Yet you were the most grounded person I knew. Everyone else seemed too immersed with their problems to notice anything else. I had to wonder if you even saw all of your troubles threatening to overtake you. You made them seem like nothing.

It was like you were flying. It was like you could never really touch the ground because you somehow knew that a part of you was never meant for any of the troubles that surrounded you. It was your smile… That energetic yet calm smile. How a smile can be both is beyond me, but you were always pulling it off. You'd look ready to go bouncing off around the room, but were completely content just to lie back and enjoy relaxing with me. However, there were _plenty_ of times you did jump up and start bouncing around the room with excited vigor. Usually it was for pretty silly and simple reasons too. The oddest ideas would occur to you randomly and you'd get so excited that you'd be bursting with sudden energy.

You always knew your ideas would probably never come to exist. That's why you were always so grounded to reality and yet flying so high from it. You knew that none of it would ever come into existence… but you kept dreaming anyway. Your ideas were always grand or silly. What was nice was you were usually willing to share all of them if I asked. … I liked to listen to them. They were… so far from the every day, so… bizarre, and you were always so intense when telling me of them… I miss seeing the sparkle in your eye, the smirk on your lips while you're waving your arms in the air explaining all about them.

Oh, and how you'd look at me. Even now it makes my chest tighten. Your eyes were always so thoughtful, so deep. It was when you really looked at me that I had no idea what you were thinking, and I wanted so bad to be able to look into those gentle eyes and read everything about you. I wanted to know what you thought of me, what you saw when you looked at me. But all you did was smile. You'd smile that caring smile and look at me sweetly and gently run your thumb along my jaw… and then, after the tender moment lasted so long, you're eyes would sparkle and you'd tackle me with a roar. We'd be on the ground, you hovering over me, pinning me with that mischievous smirk. We'd be laughing, and I'd call you strange.

You never did make sense. You'd bounce from one random moment to the next. But you were always so charming. You always seemed to say the right thing. And you never let me belittle myself. You insisted that I was always so much more, even though a part of me knew I wasn't. You used to get so serious on moments like that. You'd stop everything and look at me. You'd hold my gaze, trying desperately to impress upon me how honest you were being. When you looked at me like that, a small frown on your face, I wavered. I almost believed you. You were very convincing, after all. So I'd just silently accent to your will, allowing for a brief moment for myself to hope. You paused every time after you said your piece. You waited, as if trying to read what I was thinking in my eyes, like you wanted to make sure I at least attempted to take what you said to heart. My watery smile was the best you could hope for, though, and you allowed yourself only a couple seconds longer before going back to whatever it was you were doing.

Don't you realize how much I miss you holding me at night? Your warmth was so comforting… gentle. You were always so tender, as if afraid you'd break me. Every touch was soft, each caress so slow and light. Every kiss… was something I could never completely hope to describe. I felt so safe… snuggled up against you. Your breathing would be warm on my hair, and your arm would always be tucked around me in silent protection. To be honest, you were the perfect knight in shining armor, even though you always said you'd never make a good knight. You never really told me why you wouldn't, but you'd say it, and you'd get this distant look in your eyes, like you were remembering things or thinking about something. Maybe you'd be a flawed knight, then. But you're still a knight, even if your armor isn't shining.

But, there were times you switched roles. There were days you decided you wanted to be babied. You'd want to be the one snuggling up close, stealing my warmth for comfort. Not that you seemed upset. You just liked to take off your armor and feel someone else put up that invisible shield of protection. You'd act childishly innocent and meek. Instead of seeming impossible to topple, you'd seem fragile. I had to wrap you in my arms when you did that. It was adorable. But it wasn't long before my strength would wane and you'd have to take up your guardian role again.

You never complained. Never of me. Never of us. You were happy. You were always eager to come see me, as eager as I was to see you. I checked my window constantly to see if you'd come by. I always wanted to know when next you'd come. You were unpredictable, after all. Some days you'd already be here, and others you'd take forever. You had a weird thing with time. If you weren't dealing with important things, it was like clocks didn't exist. You kept getting tied up in everything and lose track of time. Some days it was charming, other days it was annoying. But I always forgave you of everything.

You were so willing to give… I'm not used to that. There have always been strings attached to everything I've always been given. Nobody ever just gave me something to give it to me. There was always some underlying motive. Not with you. You would get me things unexpectedly, for no reason then just to see me smile or just because you knew I liked it. You never seemed to need a reason to show me your affection. You always gave it freely.

I guess that's why I'm so confused. Everything was perfect. Everything was going so well. What happened? You were always voicing ideas about the future, but in the end, you're the one that pulled away from them. I even started to believe a few of them.

But you walked away. You left. I know you never tried to promise me anything you weren't sure you could give, but I never expected to lose you… or at least not so soon. You were supposed to stay. You were supposed to help me stand on my own two feet, grasp what I'd silently been dreaming of but could never voice.

But you left. You tried to explain, but you were holding something back. I don't know if you did it because you were trying not to hurt me or were doing it out of shame. You wouldn't change your mind. I tried to get you to. I still want you to. But you're not coming back now. You've even stopped writing… You said you were terrible at keeping in touch. But, I thought that if you cared enough, it wouldn't matter. You'd manage just fine. Yet you haven't. It's been quiet and lonely. And you're over a thousand miles away, probably forgetting all about me. And I'm too afraid to write. I'm paralyzed by an irrational fear. So I never write and I never visit. It's like we're suddenly strangers again.

And my heart breaks. I was so ready to give you everything. Even my cracked and half finished image. I was ready to give you all that you wanted and all that I could offer. Maybe that's why you left. Maybe you weren't ready for that. Maybe you could give all of yourself, but not forever.

But I don't understand. How can anyone give all of themselves without giving forever? It doesn't make sense. It makes me angry. It makes my heart shatter over and over. It makes the world constrict and it makes my dreams fly away.

I start to pretend you were lying. Everything you said wasn't anything but a lie. Some days I even panic because I start believing it's true. But I don't think it is. You were too honest to lie that much. It would be easier to believe, easier to hate you. It would help me let go… to a degree. But, though it seems crueler that you were being honest, I can't help but feel you were being so the entire time.

And I'm mad at you. I'm mad at myself. You still left. You said it was because you couldn't stay. You said you couldn't give me the forever I wanted so bad. You seemed as pained as I was, tears in your eyes. Honestly, you looked as bad as I felt as you tried to explain. And you wanted so bad not to hurt me. That's what you kept saying. I kept thinking that if that were the case, then stay. Stay, even if forever doesn't seem possible.

But you didn't. A part of me is still screaming at you, silently. It's begging you to rethink things. Because though you claim you can't see forever, I can. I see it. I have since you started dazzling me with all of your fantasies. And I can't see anyone else taking your place. I can't see myself with anyone but you. No matter how you explain it, now matter how much you think I deserve better, I don't want better. I don't want anyone else. I want you. Is that so hard to believe?

I'd wait for you. If you asked, I'd wait forever. My eyes don't wander. My heart doesn't release itself. It's chained to you. I can't shake your shadow. I can't shake your words. Everywhere I look, there's a piece of you staring back. All the gifts you gave me… they mock and yet comfort me. And I'm so confused…

All I want is you. Is that really so hard to believe? Was it something I said? Was it something I didn't say? I can't figure out what I did wrong. Why did it turn out this way? I want you back. I want only you. I'd apologize a million times and more… if I could have you back. I'd steal all the stars and break each one, trying to put them in your eyes. Because the shine isn't there. I looked. When you came that one time… the shine wasn't there. Your eyes seemed… pained. It frightens me to think I might be the cause of it. I can't even fathom what I did wrong to do that to you. Somewhere deep, dark, a part of me secretly hopes that you're pained because you don't want to see me so hurt. At least, that way, you'd still be thinking of me, of my best interests. But I know I'm wrong. Besides, that's selfish of me.

So, I stare at all the things that remind me of you. I remember all the things we did, all the things that you said. I shiver, remembering your lingering touches. They're like ghosts to me now. And I long for their solidity. It drives me crazy thinking about you. Yet there's nothing I can do. You're not coming back. Not like it was before. And my heart breaks into a million pieces because all of those millions of pieces are yours, as you earned them one by one with all the little things you did. But without you here to hold them together, they scatter into their own solitary little corner, forever locked away in loneliness.

I gather up a handful of them at a time, to look at them. I watch them, watch the memories. I wonder if they'll ever be whole again. And I stare into the darkness… dreaming of the day you'll return and be mine.

And I drop them. All the millions of little pieces fall, and I watch them skitter away like lost souls searching for their light. I'm left bereft, alone, standing in the center of an empty room full of memories… waiting for you, all of you and forever.


End file.
